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July 29, 2016

Blue Lipstick?

So this brings back memories! I was at the dollar store yesterday and found some matte blue lipstick. I got super excited because usually funky color lipsticks are color changing for kids. This one however was solid blue matte. I immediately wanted it. While holding in my hand trying to contain my excitement I thought about where I would where it to and when. And then it suddenly occurred to me probably only on Halloween. My elation deflated. I haven't worn blue lipstick since high school.

I remember every morning getting up super early, applying my lipstick, spraying my hair with blue hair spray, wearing fish net hose, combat boots, and a mini skirt. I remember taking the bus to school every morning, being in class, walking the halls, and going to football games and having a confidence I no longer possess. I know now that it was a false sort of confidence, but I do miss the sense of bravery I received from it.

You see I was very much an average girl in all things. Average hair, not brown, not blonde but some sort of color that could be described as dirty blonde. I was pale as a ghost or pink, never the rich tan color most teen girls strived for back then. No curves what to speak of, quite literally a walking stick, and bullied quite a bit and teased I was anorexic. Far from it, my favorite past time is eating. Pizza, Chinese and Ice Cream were my basic food groups. Judged for my cheery attitude was to hyper and weird. Never had a boyfriend til I was 16 and that didn't last long. I would be almost 19 before my second boyfriend, who for some reason married me and is still with me today.

I am a very strong believer on things happen for a reason. One day I wanted to play around with my make-up and get a more purple color of lipstick, not having the right shades I added blue eye shadow to a concoction. The result? Not purple, but a light colored blue. I liked it and went with it. My favorite color quickly changed from pink to blue and has stayed that way. I loved the fantasy look. Fairy's, witches, dragons. I loved the idea and as a result I liked the looks I received. People would stare and I didn't care that they thought I was a freak. Because I was freak on my OWN terms. Not theirs. No longer being snickered at that I was too skinny and alien, no longer told that I was weird because I was weird, didn't have a boyfriend or that I was still a virgin. I was the girl in the blue lipstick.

I was lucky enough to have friends that didn't care about my phase at all. They stuck around all through high school and some I still speak to today. I think they knew me and that I needed an outlet. I honestly can say not one friend even asked why blue? Just one day it was just who I was. It does make me sad though, I literally have no pictures of those 2 years. There are a few pictures of me glaring at the camera without my disguise, which I just found annoying that anyone would want a picture of me in the first place. So ununique. My parents and loved me, told me I was beautiful, but that was their job. Of course they think their child is wonderful. I just think all the snickering fed into my brain and I fell for the peer pressure, just like all teens do.

During this time though, I feel I really learned about relationships just by watching the mistakes of teens around me. Teen pregnancy did not pass by our school. Teen relationships were as fickle as they are today. And I learned that even though I was a blue freak, some boys still looked my way and even pursued me. I learned that you could be odd and boys will still try to see under your skirt. Hormones are hormones after all. And I wanted something that was going to last.

At some point before my senior year, I stopped wearing my blue lipstick that gave me confidence. I stopped wearing my mini skirts, fishnet tights, and corsets that made me feel sexy and gave me some sort of illusion of shape. I stopped wearing my lace up combat boots that made me feel strong. I stopped spraying my hair blue, no longer hiding my overwhelmingly average hair. It started out as time, I needed more time for sleep and studying. And then it suddenly became how do I possibly do neutrals? Light brown eye shadows and slightly tinted pink lip gloss. All of a sudden I wanted to be average and blend it. Had college on my mind. Work , study, focus and then my husband came along. A teen boy that was relentless. Just moved and new to our school, he had tons of energy and tried is hardest to be positive about his new home 1,900 miles away from his old one and friends. I wasn't sure at first but he was patient and willing to wait around.

What does my marriage have to do with blue lipstick. Not sure exactly. I just know that for two years I was growing into who I was and who I wanted to be and who I wanted to share myself with. Two years is a long time to be with oneself and I think it helped me really focus on me. Most teens were trying to please everyone and have adult relationships, while I was trying to stick out and be a strangling among all the humans. I wanted to be different for me and only me. I know adults didn't like it and I may have offended students at school with my choice of clothes and color scheme, but in the end I grew out of my rebel phase and into who I am today.

1) I guess my positive thoughts to share are don't let anyone bully you into changing who are and what you want to be.

2) Understand yourself and what you want out of life.

3) Don't rush into a relationship because you are lonely and think it's not normal to be on your own.

4) Your are a unique individual! There is no one like you, literally.

~ Have a Sweeter Day than Yesterday ~    

July 19, 2016

BFF in Vacationland

Just Arrived!
July 16, I left the Boston Airport by bus to head back home. The ride there was a little sad but good to spend with a dear friend of mine. We talked about when we were younger, some of the silly things we did together, and some of hardships we went through.

She came to visit Maine all the way from El Paso, Texas. Her trip here was long and tiring, but she reassured me several times it was worth it. We went hiking on Black Cap mountain trail in New Hampshire. Went to Old Orchard Beach and got toasted in the sun. I feel like someone forgot about me in the oven. We waded out in the streams of Saco River. Meditated at the Maine Yoga Festival. Saw my niece's play and had to much seafood. It was amazing having my best friend here with me. I couldn't wait to show her how beautiful Maine is.

Pine Point Beach

Sitting on the bus to go back home I felt foolish for having spent 50 dollars to sit on a bus to and from the airport in one day, but my heart says it was totally worth it. To see her face for those few hours more. To eat lunch together one more time. To talk about future visits.

The time flew by to fast. The sandwich I had been eating was gone, the bus was pulling up and the driver stepping out to shout, “Portland, ME!”

One last hug. One last kiss. And then she's waving to me as the bus drives away. My heart, something feels wrong. Something is missing. It hurts. It's uncomfortable. I think she took a piece of me with her. I'm on the bus, alone. Pretty sure snot is running down my face. I don't care. I can feel the piece of my soul that is missing. I can remember it's laugh and it's smile. I'm remembering that one last hug. It wasn't enough.

You see my best friend is dear to me, she has known me all my life. She taught me that positivity is what makes everything beautiful. She taught me yoga and meditation is not only good for a peaceful life but can be fun as well. That God loves me for me. That books are fun and crocheting is a healthy addiction. That saving money is the goal but spending it on “together activities” is worth the time and the penny pinching. She taught me that love is not about how much you spend on another person but how much quality time you spend with that person.

This woman is the first person I call when something goes wrong. She's the first to hear when I'm excited. She lives so far away and yet she manages to hold so much love in her words. You see this woman, my best friend, is my mommy.

I just wanted to thank you for coming to visit me. I'm sorry it wasn't a lot of time. I'm sorry I had to work while you were here. But for me, it was perfect, just to see your face, that smile and hear you laugh. To feel your hugs and here you call me Tweetie Pie. I love you Mom.

~ Have a Sweeter Day than Yesterday ~